| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2024-11-30 |
十一月二日
In trying to understand and forgive my parents, I am also learning to love myself. That is, it gives me reassurance that the pain and violence I experienced were not what I deserved. They were not punishments, and it is not just about me. In that sense, simply accepting that these people are not nice is not helpful. Since they are not random people, they are in fact the people objectively closest to me, the people who raised me and shaped my upbringing. Although they are not only the people who raised me, thankfully. Similar with friends, or romantic partners. Seeing them as evil beings doesn’t make me feel any better about myself—if I had been less evil, how come we got together in the first place?
十一月六日
I can smell the lingering scent of her on me, from this crop top she gave me two days ago. No, nothing strong, nothing unpleasant, but it is a smell not just from the laundry liquid, but the smell clothes pick up after lying long at the bottom of a full drawer of clothes. The sense of intimacy associated with this, stirs me up and I want to write about it. Though I fear I would desecrate our relationship by writing too much. For instance, I wanted to say I am excited by this, but I am worried about the sexual implication in the word “excitement” in this context so I censored myself.
十一月十七日
The after-rain warm smell, is nostalgia. It sends me back to childhood times.
十一月二十一日
It’s been precisely a month. I think I should end this now. There were many red flags but I decided that I could still make effort to make it work. It has exceeded my limits now. I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t have so much energy for anyone. Literally no one is worth it. What was I looking for at the start of igniting this? I wanted a new friend, because moving out from Fei‘s made me feel lost. Then I wanted an actual friend, not just some stranger I occasionally bump into and climb with, but someone I would actually talk to.
Indeed we talked, but it was not always pleasant. It is not that I can’t deal with unpleasant arguments, in fact many arguments are pleasant so long they keep me thinking critically and logically. The unpleasant arguments were mostly emotion related and emotionally loaded, that’s why they are beyond my capacity. Then the unemotional ones have been repetitive and hatred driven. Hatred towards a whole region, or religion. No solutions would be found by us talking about it and we keep repeating ourselves. It is rather irritating. I truly hate people who do this. They just want to keep spreading their hatred. They keep circling back to this because they haven’t thought much about anything else, that’s my impression. I really hate this kind of behaviour. I don’t think I can like this person anymore. We are incompatible and this is too much effort, too energy consuming. We can’t talk about things not just about ourselves properly, and the things about ourselves are always draining. There is really no point in trying. It’s not worth it after all.
Earlier today I still think it would be selfish to make such a decision for the two of us, but I don’t think I care anymore. Especially now. I can’t bear having to guess, having to feel like walking on an eggshell anymore. Two days ago I felt scared and manipulated. Today I feel truly exhausted. This is not what I want from a friend or a friendship. This is not healthy. It has to end.
十一月二十二日
Let’s run another round of reflection and introspection.
There has been attraction, but where from? I think I was under the false impression that I posed attraction to the person, which fed me back. Then the repetition, almost brainwash, of the the person claiming to care about me, carried me away. I wanted to give back. I wanted it to last longer. I wanted us to care about each other for as long as possible. It is me trying to nourish friendly love.
I don’t think it’s working. The feeling of inferiority is never going to help anything and clearly it is backfiring. I now sense danger, that the person is trying to hurt me, and whenever I point out something to reinforce this sense of inferiority, stronger resentment occurs and more harm is inflicted on me. The person claimed to care, which to me feels more like destruction.
My intuition never failed me when it comes to human connections or emotions like this. I can’t keep ignoring it anymore. This needs to stop.
I still reflect on myself and think perhaps I am the person who did wrong here. Luckily this time the world is on my side. Even Robert Wilson‘s blog post „anger and hatred“ touched on things I said yesterday proving me rational and reasonable. I truly have done or said nothing wrong. It is not my problem. I should not feel guilty.
I should stop.
十一月二十六日
Arrival in Canberra is instantly scented by the blooming star jasmines. The airport smells nothing but that. As I walked in the city, the overpowering smell hits again and I realised it’s probably the whole city. Canberra smells good.
十一月三十日
I realised that I am already bored of it. The intensity and excitement were all a mere response to the affections I felt. Now that he doesn’t show care and affection as strong, I have lost interests myself. There’s no use trying to fool either party back into it again. I don’t need to find things to text him about.