| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2025-04-30 |
| dateFormat | dd-mmm-yyyy |
| slug | 2025Apr |
四月一日
To invite L out for ice cream was not risky. And I know I would like to be friends with him since pretty much the second or third time we climbed together.
What is risky is now. That I am encouraged to love more, to become closer. This is risky, touching his hands; this is risky, hugging his knees; this is risky, letting his hand run down my spine. The closeness is risky. Should I be scared? Should I quietly observe first? Words can be curses. I don’t want to vocalise those self-fulfilling prophecies.
四月二日
羊：昨晚梦里 我和你在 奇怪的东京旅游 我：好浪漫喔
One of the things I hate the most about romantic relationships is that people tend to romanticise rather normal things and then endow them with unnecessary meanings (read: melodrama). Then somehow normal things can‘t be normal.
There are so many things I just like to do, with people I like, but somehow within this romantic framework I have to be careful, not to give false signals, not to be too much, not to be too distant, not to be too close. At the same time when I think about it, when the rebellious me think about it, I also hate to repeat things I say or do with different people, especially if there are romantic connotations associated with them.
Admittedly, many of the things L said to me are things I’ve heard multiple times from many different people, especially men who are interested in me, romantically. Admittedly, many of the things I did with L are things I‘ve done multiple times with many other people, especially people who I wanted to be proper friends with.
Admittedly, me five years ago would’ve hated this idea of repeating things and efforts so much. And I did. Which was why I have tried to avoid connecting with people who might want to be more than friends with me.
四月五日
週六晚上的Lygon St，擁擠吵鬧，行人的腳好像黏在地上，我沒有耐心，開始跑起來。明明決心不管L也要先跑，但還是會怕與他失散在人群中。回頭，他就在很近的地方。抬腳落下，輕鬆地一躍，那0.1秒我眼睛捕捉到的他，我想永遠記下來。很安心的一刻。
四月六日
Reflecting on how much my love for L has grown. It feels like a plant in its optimal environment and neither me nor L comes to trim it. So it just keeps growing. I have decided to ignore all the concerns on how much space it will take, the concerns on how to unroot and move it when the day comes, and the concerns on what it will become. I just let it grow, and L nourishes it, fertilises it, whispers to it: „it’s okay, just grow.“ And so it thrives.
四月十日
Some days you don’t notice most of the things and remember even less, but other days you experience acutely almost everything. Today is one of the latter. Starting from the morning, everything made its occurrence so apparent and sharp.
四月十二日
I would not have gone into that tree hole were it not for my trust for L. I am glad that I did. I think that says a lot about pretty much everything that has happened so far.
四月二十一日
好奇怪的感覺。
我仔細想，遇到L真的是人生最合適的時候。但也有時刻會抽離，然後想，我是怎麼愛上他的，是我想要去愛，而他適合我愛，所以才愛了嗎？
總之我知道我原本根本沒有多餘的想法，只是想要一個攀岩搭子，甚至也沒有打算要很親近，畢竟他幾乎每天都去，只要見到的時候能一起爬就很好了。我沒有對他不友善的理由，於是很友善，邀請他加入我去吃冰激凌也完全是稀疏平常的友好行為。爬buddy climb也不是什麼了不起的事情，雖然是有很親密的肢體接觸，但在他之前我已經跟三個人一起爬過。對我來說真的一切都是友情發展，沒什麼特別的。
越來越近他慢慢透露出來，幾乎初次見面的時候他就有點被我吸引了，而且他從來沒有懷疑過這吸引力。所以他一直就喜歡我嗎？那時候他還在一段長期關係裡沒有結束呢。如果將來出現別的人，他也會去喜歡別人的吧。
四月二十五日
嘴上說著還有機會，內心卻已經在擔憂——時間其實並不多了。我沒有辦法確保能夠永遠和他很近，能夠一起去做這些那些事情，我會放棄抵抗。甚至我又開始策劃我的死亡。畢竟當初我已經知道，做不到數學的那一天就是我該離開的時候。但我不想讓他知道我有這樣的計畫。我希望他能毫無顧忌地享受我們能夠共享的時光。同樣地我不會跟小羊說起我的自殺計畫。
一定程度上這是我的白色謊言。是必要的謊言。
A suicide plan has to be hidden from everyone else. The best would be even my actual death is hidden until no one even remembers me. Or even if anyone does, it would be only fleetingly, „Have not seen Eileen for a while, I wonder where she’d been.“
When I take my life, it will have to be abrupt. Perhaps eventually someone might find these notes. I just need to make sure my loved ones know it’s not their fault. Better still, I wish by the time I do it, they are already detached and not loving me anymore.
四月二十六日
忍住沒有哭。L問我怎麼樣，我也說沒事，想著糊弄過去吧。無論如何也不能說，是因為看到他跟小羊相處得那麼好，讓我覺得我可以憑空消失。憑空消失，他們也可以好好地繼續生活。
那我也可以不用這麼辛苦活著了。這樣辛苦繼續活著，並不是我多想活著，更多只是不願想我愛的人們可能會難過。但其實可能並不會怎麼樣。他們都是很堅強的人，會沒事的，都會好的，我消失也沒有關係吧。
四月二十八日
I miss kissing L.
^ and I’m writing down this because I realised that I tend to forget unusual thoughts like this and then some time later I will convince myself of never having had them. So yes, I did miss kissing L and this is something that has happened.
The question is, when there’s no longer romantic attraction, which was on L‘s end that brought him close to me, will we still be friends? Will we still be close friends like this?
I felt something today while kissing L. This is new. Kissing has been a way of expressing love only because I knew that’s how L receives love, but not naturally my own way of showing nor receiving it. It’s only today when I felt something. It’s physical pleasure, but also quite close to my mind…
We had been touching, kissing, flirting. Eventually I said it to L that I was now in fact curious to know how it would be like to make love to him. He seemed shocked for a bit. I had to acknowledge that it was honest of me but also blunt to just say it like that. Also I had to reassure him that I wasn’t requesting immediate action.
四月三十日
我又開始困惑。肢體帶來的快樂，讓我很困惑。究竟是真的喜愛，還是暫時的激素作用？它能受得住時間考驗嗎？現在很好奇，分開一個月，會怎麼樣呢。
感到很不安。已經感覺到落差了，我想逃跑。荷爾蒙促成的情感，根本不會持久，我也不應抱期待。我想逃跑。現在就想放棄。
At least I need to stop making effort for now.