| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2025-01-31 |
| slug | 2025Jan |
一月三日
分分合合，我總覺得可以鬆懈，關係趨於穩固、輕鬆的時候，討厭的事情會發生，他變得無法忍受。這一次又可以持續多久呢？
室友也知道我做事free-spirit，喜歡improvise，與此同時最近聽得最多的評價是harmless。如果我這樣impromptu，還會harmless嗎？
忽然高頻地和他一起活動。多了我自己也會厭倦吧？那我這一次又會持續多久呢？
一月十一日
兩週而已，又這樣了。這次，居然感到非常輕鬆，大鬆一口氣。因為前幾天他說的那些話，讓我感到很害怕。雖然談不上恨，但確實是該早點結束這一切。這兩天好像還狠不下心來，甚至又請他吃了一餐飯。好氣啊！我虧了！但也好，也好。早散早輕鬆。what a relief I am feeling right now.
怎麼想都覺得，早就該散了，為什麼一直耗著呢。整個世界都在說，你們該散了。每次幹點什麼都有一些小意外不順利的事情，全都是徵兆。這次更方便了，他要搬家，我也不知道新地址，雖然就算知道也不可能再做那樣的事情了，但不知道真是更好，徹底預防掉。說實話真不錯。上一次散的時候確實覺得有些不捨，大概是因為人在眼前，這次短信上一切都變得很簡單，尤其是他那個樣子，雖然談不上恨但真的很討厭，非常討厭。我都想不明白一直以來是怎麼忍到現在的。
一月十二日
I know exactly what went wrong from the very beginning. I just refused to deal with it directly this whole time. It has been my own fault to try to channel this attraction into a friendship, when clearly there were other feelings. It was my fault to decide to ignore the fact that his behavioural patterns resemble most traits of a romantic partner, and to ignore that only when we did „romantic“ things together we enjoyed most of ourselves and each other. I knew I couldn’t explain why I didn’t mind his physical closeness and sometimes even wanted it myself, and it was my fault to then ignore it and try to normalise it. Even though I know that this is not even how I behave with friends.
Especially looking back at the things I’ve written down from the very beginning, I started finding him boring since a while ago but I still wanted him. It was clearly not friendly attraction. It is my own interpretation of romantic attraction—I only want to be friends with interesting people and only consider romantic relationships with boring ones. I rejected it because I don’t want a romantic relationship—I can’t handle one. But then I still wanted him and thought I could find a way to channel it into friendship, like I did with J, but I forgot that the whole reason I could do that with J is that J is already too interesting for me to ever want to have him as a romantic partner.
Since I never wanted and still don’t want a romantic boyfriend, I will never tell this to him. But that’s nothing to be worried about anymore, we’ve finally ended it.
一月十三日
Same as the day on the beach, I knew the way I pushed the conversation was wrong yesterday. On both occasions I was upset and eager to end things, consciously or subconsciously. Last time I felt remorse and had the hope to go back to good days, this time I no longer see hope.
一月十四日
I deal with loss by finding a closest substitute for what I have lost as soon as possible. Usually it’s not that easy when it comes to people. But the universe is in my favour this time.
I already went in at Boulder Lab, only to find nothing new, let alone exciting. As frustrated as I was, I decided to go to UP again. By the time I got to the train station, I was starving and the train was delayed by 15 minutes. Ignoring how unlucky and having decided not to see it as a bad sign, I went to get sushi. Although I found out that today UP provides BBQ, I still decided to go.
Then I saw two girls climbing. Friendly. Similar level as me. I approached them easily. Got their names, chatted.
It was simply crazy to hear Emily tell me she works at a cafe, and that she has been climbing everyday for the past 6 weeks. And she will be getting her own climbing shoes tomorrow. That’s exactly what S. told me when we spoke properly for the first time. Except better. Emily has her own cafe.
So far, it’s just bittersweet. Emily is incredibly social and she talks to everyone in the gym. It’s a good sign, but also I know most likely we won’t be as close as S. and I had been.
Then as we said goodbyes, I decided to join Yolanda on her journey. Waiting for the train she told me she runs the long way from south Melbourne to Brighton and then back to make it 35km. I told her the recent long walk I did, from Sandringham to South Melbourne along the beach and then along the tram route back to Brunswick East. I also mentioned to her how I wanted to pick a day to go to the beach past midnight and sit there until the sun rises.
Then somehow photography was brought up, and then I brought up the idea of the capital city trail. Boom. That’s it. We were making a plan. And the plan is to do it this Sunday. We will be there bright and early. And we will walk the long way. It sounds crazy, and very impromptu, but she’s on board. She’s serious, I am serious, and I think it’s actually gonna happen.
All of a sudden, all the grief coming from the loss, the loss of all the future plans I’ve made, is exterminated by this new excitement. I don’t think there will be as much drama this time around.
For once I feel blessed. For once I feel lucky. The universe has given me enough signs to end it with S. and I ignored it until a few days ago. Now the universe is rewarding me. Or at least doing its best to console me. I feel grateful.
一月十八日
I went to his cafe again. This time it was actually clear that he doesn’t want me anymore, and I got belligerent and kept pushing it the other way. Although I actually wanted to end it. I went there only in hope for a good farewell. It was stupid of me to push it. Luckily I realised it, so I tried to remember why I hated him again.
The moment I got reminded that this is how emotionally manipulative he is, especially how he takes advantages of women, I hated him so much. Even now I feel belligerent. The only reason I wanted to talk to him again is to show him the fact that I always had it right. That’s not love. I only want revenge.
Then I softened up and asked for a dinner together. But it became good again, I started to enjoy his company again. That wasn’t helpful, so I left so abruptly even though we were almost at the top of the queue.
Obviously I regretted for having behaved so badly again, and I tried to call him. Seeing him have blocked me again, was a relief. I am happy that I could now rest assured that my softness will not do myself any more harm.
Reading what I’ve written down for myself, and the thing I wrote to him, I really see how nice and loving a person I am. He took advantage of that. I let him. I am sorry for myself. But I’m glad that this would be a good lesson for me to learn. Next time I’ll never ignore my intuition again.
一月十九日
I thought I am way over the age of blaming things on my upbringing and family issues. It turned out it’s time to reflect back again. The timing was horrendous. In a sense that not long after my dad had apologised to me (unapologetically), I started talking to S a lot.
If I have to believe that someone who’s physically and verbally and emotionally abused me for nearly 30 years, loves me, then how can I not be controlled by a less horrible person who constantly told me that he loved me?
This is manipulation. I just let it happen, because somehow I chose to believe in those words.
One thing I need to really remember is that, those days were happy, not because of him. It was really me who put in the effort, who planned it, who executed it, and who made them perfect.
Even the food was cooked by me. I chose the film, I initiated things to make both of us enjoy those moments.
I am not grieving over the loss of him, but the loss of my own choices.
It was only three months, but it felt like years. The intensity and closeness. It makes sense to feel this pain and grief. The fact that I still don’t hate him says a lot about myself. I am a truly caring and loving person. There is nothing wrong about that.
一月二十日
I woke up thinking, woah, how ridiculous this all has been. What a pathetic man.
It was within 48 hours between he said „you mean everything to me“ and „I don’t want to see you ever again.“
How ludicrous.
Looking back through the texts and my journal entries, I feel proud of myself. I have been very rational and consistent with my words and actions. Admittedly my feelings were all over the place and I let him affect them as much as he wanted, but I never for once swayed from the right things and my moral principles.
In hindsight, those days when I had depressing dreams, those days I had nightmares of my exes, were all signs of how bad he had made me feel. They were all alarms to tell me to end things. I did want to end things so many times, but I let my feelings take over my rationality, only because I wasn’t so afraid of being hurt. That’s quite amazing. The fact that I have been so brave now to allow myself to be vulnerable shows how mature and stable I am now. Even though at this moment I am still processing the grief and pain, it is all natural response to having all my effort for nothing. It’s a sense of defeat.
Phi: 抱住写意！！你的付出是真诚的，这已经是很大的勇气 是对方没有珍惜这份信任，it’s his loss, his defeat。
一月二十四日
As much as I felt wronged, I do realise how badly I behaved because I sensed danger. Even if it was out of self-defence, I find it hard to justify them. Reminds me of what Jerone joked about: „You can’t cope with that because you have a conscience.“
As much as I feel guilty and want to apologise, I have to constantly remind myself that he doesn’t even care. In fact he by all means refuses to be the one being wronged by others. So there’s no even room for me to apologise.
What a bizarre dynamic.
In the first few days the main mental obstacle was that I couldn’t understand why I felt so much pain. I kept questioning myself whether I had liked him so much that I couldn’t bear his absence in my life. Reading back on my journal entries that clearly wasn’t the case. If anything I’ve liked him less and less and our „situationship“ progressed. It was even more puzzling as in why I kept staying and pursuing this lost cause.
To call it saviour complex is oversimplifying the whole situation, I always knew that. Though I couldn’t come up with a better explanation.
After the day he blocked me I’ve finally come to the realisation that it was probably because of my family trauma, that I actually deeply wanted to believe what he said was true, that I really wanted to prove for both of us that he didn’t mean to hurt or manipulate me. So I kept trying to make it last longer, because that would be the only way to prove it.
I’ve known I have this problem with my parents that I kept softening and making excuses for them, especially to legitimatise and normalise my dad‘s violence towards me, because I wanted to believe that he actually loves me despite his violent behaviours.
Some memories I’ve buried deep just recently surfaced as well. I keep this narrative and always tell people that my parents are very loving, even though they are not great parents they love each other dearly. But clearly that doesn’t explain why I have such unhealthy and insecure attitudes towards romance and that I always downplay romance since a very young age. Well, I’ve hidden some stories.
My parents always fought each other fiercely and there had been so many violent outbursts. It would’ve left me crying for hours just because they fought so badly I thought they were actually going to separate.
I still remember that night when the three of us were meant to see a film together but because they fought prior to the movie, only my dad and I went, and I cried for the entirety of the film.
Besides those outbursts there have also been the constant devaluation of my mom. Admittedly I don’t like her either, but my dad seems to always enjoy the power over her, and me. By all means he wants to assert his power, his authority. And I was smart enough to know that from a young age. That’s also why I always get so triggered when I sense someone is doing a power play and wants to asserts power over me. I then behave badly just to resist that power. It never ends well.
一月二十五日
噪音從四週向我擠壓，我卻要在這樣的壓迫中找到平靜嗎？
像J說的，殉道士一樣活著並不能給任何人帶來任何好處。
關於S我不捨的一切，其實都是謊言。
一月二十六日
What I miss about him is nothing but a lie. But that I miss him, is still real.