| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2025-07-31 |
| dateFormat | dd-mmm-yyyy |
| slug | 2025July |
七月一日
I realised that the disrupted sleep and the nightmares, are just my brain and body fighting hard to release that overwhelming grief that I suppress during the day. The grief for the loss. The loss of love. The loss of us. The loss of what we have been and the loss of what we could have been.
七月二日
It always takes a hard lesson for me to learn. Here we go. The lesson finally came. Kinda unexpected but wow, the universe really has its way.
七月六日
Let’s face it: he just used me to get out of his previous relationship.
七月七日
其實週四那天見到L之前，被Eli問到有沒有見到他之後，想到他都覺得很陌生。今天他發完消息之後，我想到再見面，連這個概念都變得很陌生。已經不知道他是誰了。完全感覺是陌路人了。
七月十六日
I need to see the end to know how I would live through.
And that’s because I want to be able to have a choice, in this life where I barely do.
Then I realised that not replying and not initiating anything, was a choice I made. If I now reach out then the choice would be handed over to L—I’d be at his mercy again. That’s stupid. So I should stick with my choice.
七月十七日
My appetite for reading is back, fully back. Bought a new book yesterday and (finally) opened The Empusium today.
As I pressed the pages against the book spine, I felt somehow a gentle force caress my heart. I felt joy. After nearly two months, I felt joy. This is the joy I feel safe in.
七月十八日
昨天撥過去的電話，不能算是衝動，其實考慮已久。他不接也不回也不解釋，全在意料之內。發過去最後那條短信，全然出於責任和體面。只不過不想自己成為討厭的人罷了。
一度想要再努力一下，要不要當個合格伴侶，再問一下他需要我怎麼做呢？但其實心裡知道，這個人不值得。是錯的人。從一開始就錯了。
他在逃離上一場戀愛，而我真誠而易信，願意去愛。讀到關於美好戀愛的句子，心痛一陣，但仔細回想，我真的喜歡他嗎？我們真的有那樣的連結嗎？我和他的對話，除了熱戀之中關於愛的那些，真的是有質量的對話嗎？我有感到滿足嗎？其實都沒有。我跟Jayden的對話，跟朋友們的對話，讓我更充實。還記得那個週末我們沒有聊天，我在家看科普視頻的時候，我腦子感到的快樂嗎？是因為我們相處雖然給了一些愛的感覺，但我並不感到充實。
即使是這樣，還要繼續抱有幻想嗎？當然不要了。甚至跟他在一起，也不感到充電。總是隱隱感到的不安全，還是不應該無視的。
宇宙就這樣給我上了兩堂課。告訴我不管好的時候還是壞的時候，永遠要相信對危險的敏感嗅覺。
會好起來的，會好起來的。
七月二十日
Logic has finally slowly taken over the speaker. At least it is getting closer to the speaker now and its voice getting amplified every passing day.
Slowly, joy resurfaces, from other sources. The withdrawal symptoms are real but I should know that it will be okay. I trust my willpower. Oh my strong willpower. Better than anything. It just needs to work aligned with logic, not in complicit with emotions and sentiment.
Day by day, I am letting loose of my grip of the false hope. Yes, I still hold it despite saying the opposite over and over again. It is okay. Let’s just be honest with ourselves. I know I still held some hope, but that is slipping away slowly. Soon it will be finally all gone. In fact I can see that already happening. The second I saw L’s text lying, the second I saw him misreading, him repeating the same question just because how little effort he is putting into this. What a silly boy. He probably still thinks he’s in power, that his emotional breadcrumbs would work some charm yet again. But no, sorry, I am not a naive little girl. I let you play these games only because I chose to believe, only because I wanted to play, not because I was gullible. Don’t be silly, my boy.
七月二十一日
reading notes from Seneca‘s On The Tranquillity of Mind:
just as even a tranquil sea will show some ripple, particularly when it has just subsided after a storm. 再平靜的海也有會漣漪，尤其是一場暴風雨剛過之後。
Regaining my equilibrium, while acknowledging the ever present but no longer all consuming ripples.
Realised that I’ve internalised stoicism for the longest time, feeling like a rational robot. Depressed but managing well. But now I’ve embraced the neo-stoicism and integrated compassion a bit too well, which is why things feel more painful.
What a dilemma.
From my shallow understanding, neo-stoicism feels a lot overlapped with Theravada doctrines/philosophy.
Notes from an interview of Martha Nussbaum:
The condition of being good is that it should always be possible for you to be morally destroyed by something you couldn’t prevent. To be a good human being is to have a kind of openness to the world, an ability to trust uncertain things beyond your own control, that can lead you to be shattered in very extreme circumstances for which you were not to blame. That says something very important about the human condition of the ethical life: that it is based on a trust in the uncertain and on a willingness to be exposed; it’s based on being more like a plant than like a jewel, something rather fragile, but whose very particular beauty is inseparable from its fragility.
七月二十三日
I think July is the first month in 2025 I got to spend mostly with myself (in February I got a fair bit of time to spend on my own but not quite so with my self.)
When a definition or concept first gets introduced, sometimes to cultivate a deeper understanding not only does one need to see one or two examples, but also a few non-examples are necessary.
Funny how it seems like the universe is determined to remind me of an under-explored question on my slow journey of learning to be human—who am I and what do I want in relationships with others? Also people seem to rush in and out of my life just to teach me the knowledge and experiences I’ve missed in my earlier life about love for another human being.
And it always take an extreme lesson for me to learn.
At least now I’ve got quite some data to see clearly who I am not and what I want not in a relationship; having seen what love is not, I do feel better in touch with what love is and should be.
Co-napping with someone you love has this incredible warmth to it. Even though I woke up to unwanted thoughts and flashbacks, knowing she lies there next to me, immediately soothes me and keeps me grounded.
It reminded me of that morning when I woke up in the middle of night at the Twins’. Looking at the breeze lightly sway the curtain. The chair sitting in the strip of light. I felt so safe.
Knowing she is here, I feel safe.
There’s always a red car parked downstairs right in front of our apartment lobby. It will never be you again.
七月二十五日
At one point I wrote:
Hope is poisonous.
七月二十七日
一陣思念痛席捲我。從早上醒來，到午睡的間隙，半夢半醒之間總在想他。
想「他」。那個回憶裡的愛人，封存在過去的一個泡影。現已經形同陌路，當下的他，我已經不認識了。
七月二十八日
People talk a lot about comfort food, but rarely do I hear them talk about comfort book.
Of course just like food, when there’s simply no appetite nothing is comforting, but when the condition is at least good for one to consume, I think people have their own go-to reads when things are hard, or simply when the mind needs to feel home.
My comfort books usually are from a familiar writer, or a writing style. Academic writing feels like home, or writing that is controlled but with strongly emotional undertones.
七月二十九日
Even before the beach walk, I knew I was taking a risk. I knew it was vastly likely that L was merely using me as an escape from the conflicts he was avoiding at the time. Retrospectively, while there might be real connection and emotions, most likely there have been also emotional confusion or projection. He may not have been fully aware of his own motivations. And this is not fair on me. But I knew this from the very beginning; it was my choice to go along with it.
I chose this.
I even said to him that I knew but I would still be choosing him and us and I would be okay handling whatever aftermath there might be. Indeed I handled all the consequences on my own, and I am okay now.