| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2026-04-30 |
| dateFormat | dd-mmm-yyyy |
| slug | 2026April |
四月五日
清明節，無雨。
和C&C的朋友告別後我獨自從市區走回家。還是那條路，走了上百次這條路。回憶卻總是鎖在那個雨天，我和L在雨中淋得狼狽卻快樂。
事實上更多時候閃回那些和L共度的時刻，更多感到是傷害和背叛。那些謊言，快樂的幻覺。
幸好已經結束了。幸好早早結束了。你永遠不再存在在我生命中。
四月六日
給C剪頭髮，一邊聊天，C問我是否還有不安，是否真的時常擔心我自己不被喜歡。有些感悟當即產生但沒有一個合適的話口說出來，只在心裡：感到不安的關係，其實就不該繼續。回想起和L的最開始，記錄在了本子裡筆記各處，字字句句，書寫的其實不是“L可以相信”，而是“我願縱身一躍跳進此處，只求所信不負”。
四月七日
日記本裡去年今日，我寫下我的“認真思考”，不斷質疑卻又傾力想要相信，反覆問自己是否可以和L創造那個無法和小羊擁有的未來。而如今那樣的未來正在和C共同創造著，原來其實根本沒有那麼難嗎？這樣是健康可持續，還是我不夠愛？
四月八日
也許不對等的愛永遠都會存在。也許我此刻的心情也是L當時所感？L曾經的謊言，是我對C嗎？可看著C時想親近的心也不是假的。想念的時間也是真的。
四月二十一日
Be kind to people. C這樣對我說。
我不開心。憑什麼這樣說？我哪裡不kind？ I just don’t care. Despite not giving a fraction of care, I was still respectful and tried to be not unkind.
I don’t want to be masking around people who I’m supposed to be close to.
四月二十三日
I am exhausted for having so deeply loved. (An army of lovers cannot fail, p.22)
The more I think about it, the more I catch myself asking the same question: do I really want a partner like this? Am I too greedy? I am not normal, but I want an almost normal relationship. Then when I feel the relentless expectations for me to be also normal, I dread it and want to escape.
When I express my frustration with the unpredictability of human behaviours and emotions, I am not expressing the frustration of not having done better despite having tried really hard and made a lot of effort, I am expressing my frustration that I have to try at all in the first place.
Deviance is not an intrinsic property of anything. It is a relational definition, only makes sense when in comparison with a larger group of people.
I have no desire to bend myself backwards just because I am an outlier. I have no understanding of why the norm is like that and is far away from me, and have no desire to chase it. I am trying not to attract attention, and not to get into trouble. That is all. I have no interests in being someone else.
I do not want to be pretending all the time.
I do the bare minimum just to survive.
I want a partnered life because I thought it would add colours and happiness, not because I want to challenge myself even more and make survival even harder. pn