| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2026-01-31 |
| dateFormat | dd-mmm-yyyy |
| slug | 2026January |
一月六日
此刻感覺跟世界摩擦很大。打開往常打開的社交媒體，放眼望去全是我不贊同的觀點。
一月十日
即使過去這麼久，也明明都在感慨幸好他已經不在我生命中，但每每想起L，還是很難過。很傷感。因為被欺騙，因為第一次感到希望第一次放開去愛卻被殘忍傷害，因為很失望，因為想到所有好的時刻，因為想到不可能擁有的更好的時刻。
可愛始終是愛。它本身不因為結局如何腐壞而變質。過去無法改變，過去的愛也無法改變。沒有辦法否定
一月十二日
我的客廳依然沒有餐桌。坐在地上吃完晚餐，自然而然躺下了。
C吻上來。我接住這個吻。就這樣躺在地板上我們接吻。
閉上眼卻是半年多前在L的辦公室那個午夜。時鐘指向凌晨一點。一點半。兩點。兩點半。公共沙發軟塌下去，我們在沙發上。我指尖他頭髮的觸感。此刻我指尖C的頭髮的觸感。我睜開眼睛看見C柔和的臉。閉上眼還是那個辦公室的時鐘。沙發邊的綠植，因為缺水而蔫蔫的葉子。我沒有辦法把這回憶趕走，我也沒有用任何力氣抵抗。就這樣放任它侵襲這個本該只屬於我和C的時刻。只得自私地架起一個問號，想也許C也會在這些瞬間，想起和別人的親密回憶呢。始終是不佔理，我甚至不敢用英文告解。至少沒有出現L的臉。只是那些愛的回憶和記憶。
一月十三日
After writing down these words, I fell asleep with a sense of resentment in my heart. Was I resentful of myself, or L? I suppose both. I resent L for destroying me so badly and I resent myself for submitting to it.
一月十九日
I grieve. I still grieve. I fight it within me in silence. Alone. Alone.
A piece of me is gone with that love. An enormous piece of my soul. It carved a hole in me. Ripped open. A hollow. Gaping. Bloody. Still bleeds.
It’s been hurting for so long I am almost numbed. The discomfort, like being bitten by a thousand insects. Then they swallow me. All consuming.
I loved. I loved. I loved so deeply. Unreservedly. With my whole heart, my whole soul. My whole body.
I never felt like this before. The time I loved, I felt I existed for love.
On the the way to climbing, I played Aurora‘s Exist For Love in your car. I resonated with every single word of that song. Being there with you, your left hand on my lap. Not bothered by the traffic, instead, we both enjoyed the unnecessarily long journey, for it means longer time spent with each other.
It hurts so much because I knew you loved me just as much as I did you.
My single bed now is shared with a different person. Slightly smaller than you in build yet I felt I had more space while you were there. I knew it was because you pushed yourself to the edge, to give me more space, to leave me out of any discomfort. You even left all my plushies in bed.
Yet things changed. You are no longer in my life. You no longer love me. I no longer love you.
I loved you. Deeply. Dearly. Wholeheartedly. Fullbodily.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Farewell.